Learnin somethin new er'day

In my new found singleness, I am learnin new things about myself. I have learned that i enjoy dating, sex can be a recreational pastime (lol) and that i am selfish. I AM SELFISH. This i know. I was the only child for 16 years, so i never learned to share. MGD always tells me that i am selfish and i would deny it. I mean i didnt think it was that serious. True, when im wit him i always want to do what i want to do. But thats because he let me. When we are together its always about me. What does Pink wanna do? He would spend his last dime on makin me happy. Ok, ok. Ill admit that i eat that shit up. But what you dont understand is that in my last relationship there was none of that. I wasnt the Princess, or his Queen so to speak. So when me and MGD got semi-serious (i say semi cuz we aint exclusive...we have that understanding), and he started treatin me like that, i was like a kid in a candy store! I didnt know how to act to tell the truth. BUT...and this is a big BUT....i fucked it up.



In April i did somethin to him that i always told him i would never do (and no i wont tell yall nosy muthafuckaz what it was, lol). i decided to tell him yesterday because i felt like we were gettin serious and i couldnt get that deep wit him witout him knowin. He trusted me and i knew how he felt about me. However, i am human and i make mistakes. It really wasnt my intention to hurt him at all. I was bein selfish. Honestly when it happened i didnt think about him before it happened. and i think thats what hurt him the most. Since i have told him, i question myself whether i should have or not. part of me feels like it wasnt fair to break his heart bc of my selfishness. The other part of me feels like if i didnt tell him it would be bc i was scared and i didnt wanna face the music like a grown woman. Thats what made me tell him. I didnt wanna be a pussy about it...anyway, ive decided to say everything to him via this blog so here goes:

MGD (He knows who he is),

I have already apologized. I know that will not mend your broken heart or repair the friendship that i have damaged but i hope that its a start. I really never meant to hurt you, please believe that. You have been more of a friend to me than anyone else in my life. You treated me like i was your girl, even though we werent together, and you have shown me things i never could have seen by myself. With all that said, I was scared. I was scared to be with you, bc of the way that you treated me. I always wondered if i deserved you. I know it doesnt make sense but thats what it is. Even though i am learning not to be selfish and to think of others over myself, i still want to ask your forgiveness. i still need you to be my friend. i still need to be able to talk to you when im goin through somethin and i still want you to come to me with your problems. i know that request in itself is selfish. But i want to earn your trust back. It may never be the same between me and you but if i could just have a piece of what it used to be, that would be fine with me. You were my best friend and the almost-potential love of my life (lol) if i ever got my shit together. What ever i need to do i will...ive already apologized to your mom but if i need to apologize to KiShel, Isha, your dad, your aunts and Adrian i will. Without hesitation. I never said that i loved you because i couldnt. But i did. i do. Nothin will ever change that. Even if we never talk again, i will miss you. we had good times. Just know that everything that i said was the truth. I am changing and i hope you can find it in your heart to wanna get to know the "new" me. im sorry.

-pink