Why me?! Why not him?

Yeah...i know...its late and I'm just now blogging. I had work to do. Anyway, I wouldnt say that I'm in a foul mood, i guess im just confused but this will be a Tell Em Why You Mad THursdays of sorts. You see, in June of this year, i found out that my boyfriend of 7 years had another girlfriend. No, he wasnt man enough to tell me...i found out...by checkin his email. He had been sending her emails talking about how much he loved her and all this other crap. After 7 years of me thinkin it was so hard to let him go, it was the easiest thing to do that Friday night for me. I didnt cry, i just called him up, told him I knew, and hung up the phone. I called my homegirl and we went to Fridays that night. It just seemed so easy to walk away and I have no idea why. After talking to this person everyday for 7 years you'd think there would be some kind of drama involved. But there wasnt. This was the man that i KNEW that I would marry. I had picked out our kids names and everything. If you would have told me that he would have another girlfriend I would have laughed bc it wasnt possible and he would never do that. Boy was I wrong. See, I never put it past him to cheat on me. And i'm pretty sure that he did during the course of our relationship. But if you knew him you would just never imagine him having another girlfriend. i dont know if you understand what im saying but its just that way. I had always been there for him whenever he needed me. I was the one that drove in the snow at 2 am to get him from the club bc he was too drunk to drive...i was the one who went to pick him up from the police station every time he was arrested. And just recently before we broke up i was the one that paid his 350 dollar phone bill...the bill that he had been talkin to his other lil girlfriend on. If thats supposed to be his girl then why didnt she pay it?!

I guess what I'm getting at is that I dont understand why this motherfucker gets to be happy in his new relationship and im the one thats lonely. Why the fuck am i getting the short end of the stick when he cheated on me?! I'm doin shit for him when I'm goin through all this shit with that whole cancer thing and his bitch ass was spending time with her?! Why am i not in a happy, sappy , cute, cuddly, holdin hands in public kind of relationship? Why cant he be lonely? how come i couldnt have got the hint long before he had a chance to break my damn heart? Believe me, if i did, I would have snatched his out his chest and stomped that bitch wit my favorite steve madden pumps. and then smushed it in the ground like I was puttin out a cigarette. Do i sound angry? good...fuck it i am pissed.

And dont give me that shit about how he'll get his bc i dont wanna hear it. I want him to feel it now. I want some shit so fucked up to happen in his relationship that he thinks back to how good he had it. And when it does, i do NOT want to him to come whinin to me bc he chose where he wanted to be. Let that girl (i wanted to type bitch, just so you know) deal with it bc im finally free from a relationship that i shouldve let go of a long time ago.

I know i prolly sound bitter...but this is the result of holding all of this inside. I try not to talk about it to my friends bc they only rehash feelings that i wish would just go away. I just want to be happy with someone yall. Its hard to explain the way that I am bc you dont know me. I am happy with myself but i was lonely before we broke up. I was always lonely with him. I just want someone that appreciates me...and i can appreciate them.

maybe ill elaborate another time. maybe not.

pink.