I guess I will be elaborating...

Can i just tell yall that i think i seen the sexiest dude on blogger today...well idk how sexy he REALLY was bc it was just a side shot of his face but damnit if his sideburns didnt look delicious!

After rereading my post and then reading your comments i feel the need to go into more detail about my past relationship. I sounded like I was in one of those Baby Boy ghetto ass relationships and it really wasn't like that. The situations that were mentioned in my last post sounded a lil hoodrattish i guess. I think the reason that I was so in love with him is because I saw how he treated his family. He has a very big family and i dont and i always wanted to be a part of somethin like that. He worked very hard. He was always workin. He does road construction o he works long hours and he also hustled on the side (hence the arrests)...to help his grandmother pay the mortgage and both of their car notes. He was the reason that i started wrkin two jobs. He made me want to be better...somewhere along the line i guess he found what he as lookin for in someone else. I dont really think that i am mad at him...i am mad at how he handled it. I know that but every once in a while i get in my feelings about the situation thats all.

Tima and Nasha asked how come I was still lonely even though we were together. He just wasnt affectionate. I need affection and compliments bc thats the way that I am. I need someone to want to cuddle and chill. That wasnt him...it was always about everyone else. His friends and his family and obviously this other chick were more important. But he was first on my list. But whatever, while my heart is broken, im glad that its over. It was a long time comin and a damned valuable life lesson. Now i know to never make someone a priortiy when you are only an option.

So after i reread that post i decided to delete Jamie Ashtonn Barksdale from my life completely. No phone calls...no plans to hang out. nothing. I am completely washing my hands of him. Also, please dont mistake my rant yesterday for angry black woman syndrome/niggaz aint shit speak. You'll never hear that come from my mouth. There is nothin sexier to me than a black man. I'm just waiting for the right one to come along.

I'm feeling alot better today!

pink.

Why me?! Why not him?

Yeah...i know...its late and I'm just now blogging. I had work to do. Anyway, I wouldnt say that I'm in a foul mood, i guess im just confused but this will be a Tell Em Why You Mad THursdays of sorts. You see, in June of this year, i found out that my boyfriend of 7 years had another girlfriend. No, he wasnt man enough to tell me...i found out...by checkin his email. He had been sending her emails talking about how much he loved her and all this other crap. After 7 years of me thinkin it was so hard to let him go, it was the easiest thing to do that Friday night for me. I didnt cry, i just called him up, told him I knew, and hung up the phone. I called my homegirl and we went to Fridays that night. It just seemed so easy to walk away and I have no idea why. After talking to this person everyday for 7 years you'd think there would be some kind of drama involved. But there wasnt. This was the man that i KNEW that I would marry. I had picked out our kids names and everything. If you would have told me that he would have another girlfriend I would have laughed bc it wasnt possible and he would never do that. Boy was I wrong. See, I never put it past him to cheat on me. And i'm pretty sure that he did during the course of our relationship. But if you knew him you would just never imagine him having another girlfriend. i dont know if you understand what im saying but its just that way. I had always been there for him whenever he needed me. I was the one that drove in the snow at 2 am to get him from the club bc he was too drunk to drive...i was the one who went to pick him up from the police station every time he was arrested. And just recently before we broke up i was the one that paid his 350 dollar phone bill...the bill that he had been talkin to his other lil girlfriend on. If thats supposed to be his girl then why didnt she pay it?!

I guess what I'm getting at is that I dont understand why this motherfucker gets to be happy in his new relationship and im the one thats lonely. Why the fuck am i getting the short end of the stick when he cheated on me?! I'm doin shit for him when I'm goin through all this shit with that whole cancer thing and his bitch ass was spending time with her?! Why am i not in a happy, sappy , cute, cuddly, holdin hands in public kind of relationship? Why cant he be lonely? how come i couldnt have got the hint long before he had a chance to break my damn heart? Believe me, if i did, I would have snatched his out his chest and stomped that bitch wit my favorite steve madden pumps. and then smushed it in the ground like I was puttin out a cigarette. Do i sound angry? good...fuck it i am pissed.

And dont give me that shit about how he'll get his bc i dont wanna hear it. I want him to feel it now. I want some shit so fucked up to happen in his relationship that he thinks back to how good he had it. And when it does, i do NOT want to him to come whinin to me bc he chose where he wanted to be. Let that girl (i wanted to type bitch, just so you know) deal with it bc im finally free from a relationship that i shouldve let go of a long time ago.

I know i prolly sound bitter...but this is the result of holding all of this inside. I try not to talk about it to my friends bc they only rehash feelings that i wish would just go away. I just want to be happy with someone yall. Its hard to explain the way that I am bc you dont know me. I am happy with myself but i was lonely before we broke up. I was always lonely with him. I just want someone that appreciates me...and i can appreciate them.

maybe ill elaborate another time. maybe not.

pink.

Bloggers Block

What it do shawdiiz?! I think I have bloggers block yall. I just cant get my self together to really blog about anything. Candy thinks I'm fuckstrated (good one Candy ima be usin that...mmmk? thx.) but i dont know if thats what it is. Maybe it is tho. If so, I need to just get the hell over it bc it wont be happenin anytime soon. YOu know, I havent actually decided if I was celibate or not. I mean, yeah, I'm not having sex right now...but thats not to say that I wont decide to next week or somethin. Maybe I should declare myself celibate, hell I probably already am by default lol...like is there a rule that says that if you haven't done it in x amount of months then you are? Well if its over 4 months then I joined the club without even knowing it!

Funny thing is...i dont really think I even care. I mean, I could relieve my fuckstration if I wanted to, thus prolly endin my bloggers block...but meh...i just dont really feel like it, ya know? What's weird about that is that sex has always been very important to me. I write about it (not here) and i like to talk about it and i used to do it all the time...but maybe that was back when i had a bf. OMG!! do you guys think I'm experiencing some kind of trauma as a result of the way me and my 7 year bf broke up?!

Nah....his sex wasnt that good to make me go off the deep end. *sigh*

I really dont think that dick deprivation is a rason for my bloggers block...i think my life has just been pretty mundane thats all. The randomness that usually plagues my mind has taken a vacation so I have nothin to offer you guys. Oh! I could blog about my Cowboys and how they are gonna BEAST!! this season but I have alot of chick readers, and that may not tickle yall's fancy like that. I think that I have a date comin up soon tho...maybe thatll make for good bloggin....idk.

whta do yall want from me?!?!?!?!

pink.

Case of The Monday's...again.

Hola! Here it is Monday and I'm not feelin it. I was so busy this morning that I just now ate my breakfast...it's 130 pm. I had my last treatment on Thursday and I am so glad this is over with! Back to a normal life!! Although, I've recently decided that I am moving back in with my mom bc my medical bills are far too expensive for me to pay them and my rent. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna need a new car within the next year and I cant afford all that on what chump change I am making now. The negative of that is that I feel like me and my mom get along way batter when we dont live together. The positives are that I can go back to school, I'll have more time to excercise and take better care of myself bc I wont be working all the time and I'll have the money to finally do some traveling every once and a while. So it's cool I guess. On the note of me movin can I just tell yall that I HATE packing. OMG....its the worst. My last day in my apartment is September 30th and I have packed....NOTHING. *sigh* I'm assuming that I'll start this weekend. maybe. Ugh, I dont wanna talk about this anymore yall...

On another note. I think that I have met someone *Cue BIG SMILE!!* I think. I've kinda known him for a while...well my mom and his aunt are best friends. We've met twice but I always heard about him every now and then. We talked on the phone last night and he actually had conversation, GOOD conversation *gasp!* I dont know how this is gonna work tho. With me being so busy trying to put my life back together and get things in line for '09 (thats my new motto: Getting my life in line for 09...DONT steal it you heathen Children!) I havent really had time for a new someone in my life. But maybe thats bc I'm makin it like that? idk, prolly. Anyway, he lives in VA Beach (I dont do long distance relationships...do you think thats long distance?) and he's in the Navy. Cool. but he's got a lil baggage...which I guess i can work with. I mean, nowadays, its hard to meet a young (hell, ANY) man with good credit, no baggage, and no kids...so you gotta pick what you can deal with. And I think I can handle what all he has to offer. I wont put his business out there, yet. lol...

I get my hurr did tomorrow yall!! Oooh I cant wait. I just feel better when my hair is done. Maybe i'll get a i-just-paid-my-last-month-of-thousand-dollar-rent outfit to celebrate...itll be from TJ MAXX of course.

=)

pink.

It's Been A Long Time...

I shouldna left you...with out a dope...sike lemme stop! Hello all...im baaaaack!! With an explanation of course. Lets see....Wednesday thru Sunday I was sick. I had an earache and a fever and since i didnt come to work and i dont have the innernets at home...i didnt post. Monday I had surgery and was on Percocets, so my post wouldnt have even been coherent if i HAD posted. Tuesday, I was still on the percs...smh. So here we are at Wednesday!!!

Why did I have surgery you ask? Well back in May I had a molar pregnancy which is baisically like a tumor (if you really wanna know exactly what it is then look it up...but i dont feel like givin a detailed explanation and i know you dont feel like reading one...) in your uterus. I had a D&C performed and my GYN thought they had removed the tissue...but negative. When they found out that they hadnt they sent me over to Washington Cancer Institute (no...i dont have cancer) and i began chemotherapy treatments once a week. Even though i dont have cancer, since all of the tissue was not removed they treat it like cancer by administering chemotherapy. if you know anything about chemo then you know that it is used to kill off cells that are growing rapidly than normal. Anyway, two weeks ago, my GYN Oncologist (fancy name, hunh?) said that i wasnt responding as well as he would like to the therapy so they were gonna switch to a more aggressive one. Instead of intramuscular, this one is givin intravenously. However, it is much to strong a drug to just be pumpin through the veins in your arm...so I had surgery on Monday so that they could place a MediPort into my chest and they would inject the chemo through there every OTHER week now. So that is whats going on with me. No, i am not bald headed...I havent even lost hair. I still weigh my usual 164.5 pounds...and i donnt be throwin up and stuff. And if i didnt tell you then you would never even know...hell, i been receivin treatment for about 6 weeks and the people at my job are just now finding out. My doctor says everything should be over and done with in about 3/4 weeks...so im praying for that. And im STILL goin to Vegas!! How you like me now?! lmao...

Any other questions you would like to know the answers to?

pink.

What Am I Here For?

I know, I know...I am in rare form posting twice on a Monday. But I am in inner turmoil as to what I am supposed to be doing with myself. If you know anything about signs then you know that Pisces are the most creative. I am a pisces in case you didnt know. I feel stifled creatively in my job but i have no idea what I want to do. This is also a trait of the Pisces...indecisveness. I like so many things...music, movies, people, arts and crafts...everything. I used to want to be an actress but I'm not willing to be someone's roommate in LA/NY, waitressing until im 30 while I wait for my big break.

I think thats the reason why I haven't started my own company or written the book that i was talkin about bc im scared of failure. Scared I wont be successful or somethin.

-By the way, this is extremely hard for me to admit. I dont like to admit that I am scared to do anything. I dont even know if this blog is gonna make it to being posted...i guess we'll see =/-

I need to make a decision though because I'm tired of doin this dumbass finance/procurement job. Its runnin me ragged and its not fun. Its only makin the ends meet....

excuse me while i go post my resume on monster,

pink.

I Think Im Raging Against The Machine!

Good Morning.

There is no weekend wrap-up. Why, you ask? BECAUSE I DIDNT EFFIN DO ANYTHING!!!! Look for one...oh i dont know....sometime around the 12th of August. Ill just be getting back from visiting my mom's family. I'm sure ill have some fuckery to report, being that my oldest aunt refers to herself as a "BIKER BITCH FA LYYYYFE!!!" ....yes, im serious.

Anyway, as I was saying...my weekend pretty much sucked. I was at work everyday. And while i love my boss and coworkers, no one wants to be at work the whole weekend. But this is for Vegas so im sucking it up *sigh*. Oh! I did meet a cute lil tenderoni Thursday night!! I know what i said and i dont need you remindin me!!! But he has a nice ass and id like to spank it!! lmao...na but hes cool and he doesnt get on my nerves...for right now. He's goin to school in August so this is just a summer thing....like GREASE.

Now. Why is that the title of my post? Bc i just dont give a damn anymore. I noticed this morning that I havent givin a damn for a long time now...particularly about what white people think. I was driving my car listening to Jeezy and Kanye on blast and i pulled up at a light where white people were standin at the crosswalk. Now normally this is where i would have lowered the volume a smidgen bc i didnt want white people mumbling the "N" word as they crossed the street but today? I think i turned it up. lol...i dont know whats gotten into me! I got buck with a lady on the metro this morning for movin like frozen molasses was in her ass. I mean i didnt kirk or anything but i did say "SCUSE ME!" a little rudely. I mean, the doors were about to close and she was just standin in front of me like she didnt hear the "ding ding....doors closing!" When she looked back at me, I gave her the "Bitch whatre you lookin at?!" face. I cant help it! White people are starting to annoy me. Not all of them...i mean i like most of them. But these damned Virginians piss me off. Its like you can almost hear them thinkin that they are better than you or something. I cant quite put my finger on it. But when i do, it wont be my finger theyll have to worry about. itll be my foot....in their ass!

Thats all...i need to eat breakfast and actually start working.

Ciao for Now!

pink.

I'm sad today.

Today is not a good day. Today is one of those days when i cant "turn my frown upside down" or just put on a happy face and make everything seem ok. I do that alot. i'm the one thats always just supposed to be fun and outgoing...loud and crazy. imthe one that always has somethin funny to say when my friends are having a bad day. i cant today. im havin my own issues. today i cant front like im all tough and i dont care. like moving on from somethin that has been in your life for so long is easy. its not. tomorrow things will be back to normal. but today, im crying. and i cant stop. I'm sad today.

It doesnt matter if you're black or white...or does it?

Hello moto! (i dont know why i felt like gretting you all like that...i just did ok?)



I just finished emailin Chocolate Marine. it was a rather deep convo for like 4 emails. I ask him if he would date or marry outside his race.



First lemme clear things up. I do NOT have a problem with black men/women who date outside their race. I DO have a problem with blac men/women who outright REFUSE to date within their race. To me, that there is an issue. I had a man tell me that he would never date a dark skinned woman bc he didnt want his kids to be ugly. HE was darkskinned. To that i rolled my eyes and had to walk away bc obviously he was too ignorant to continue a conversation with



Why is it that for a Black man, its acceptable to be dark skinned? The darker the better. From Morris Chestnut to Tyson Beckford women LOVE the chocolate ( i know i do!) But for women if you arent light, bright and damn near white or exotic in some kind of way...you get no play. Men looooove to talk about how they hate a woman who wears fake nails, eyelashes, hair and push up bras...but they have a poster of beyonce hangin on their ceiling. ummmmm, earth to dumbazz shes wearin and has access to more indian remi (weave) and fur eyelashes than i ever will!!



I also had a guy tell me that while he thinks that light skin/long haired women are more sexy, they are crazy so he would rather date a brownskinned girl like me. Why?! Im crazy too! I swear, the only person who gets approached by more ignorant men than me is Sister Toldja...smh.



I just dont understand it. i know this post is kinda all over the place but deal with it...thats how i like to do things...ummmm i may post again tonight bc a.) i have no life between my two jobs b.) im off tonight and c.) i have to keep my sunshine in italy posted on my life! HEY SUNSHINE!!

TILA! I LOVE YOUUUU! ::inside joke...she gets it::

Pink.

So tired...so so tired

At first i couldnt think of what to blog to you guys about. But what better than how tired i am!! I feel so out of control right now. I am workin a 75 hour week between 2 jobs and i just cant fathom how im gonna do this. im only on day 3!! i have 5 more days to go. i woke up so late for work this mornin but i was too tired to even care...lol. i looked at the clock, saw that it was 903 and thought to myself....fuck it. shit happens. no matter how much i rushed, i was gonna be late. so i didnt. i turned on Daddys little girls and went on about my normal routine. it is what it is ya know?

If things were sailing smoothly at my pt job i think i would be fine. but its not. we have gotten a shipment of over 120 boxes in 2 days and we have the Summer Sale comin up (Come see us at The Body Shop Pentagon City!! we need to get some of this shit outta here!! lol) and we are tryna find a place to put all the stuff. Baisically Im in charge of the setup bc our full time assistant manager is off for sun and fun and a fashion design internship in ITALIA *lucky bitch! lol* and my store manager is off to Philly for a week to a much needed visit to her family. I know that once this sale is officially started thingsll be alot better but im feelin like i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

also...i dont know if yall know....BUT I HATE MY FULL TIME JOB!! someone get me outta here, seriously...i beg of you. my job in general is hell....workin in the pentagon is hell. I think that makes me feel even more tired than i am bc i hate comin in here every mornin. but instead of complainin i need to really just start lookin for a different job.

*sidenote* i know this is off topic but i only buy cd's when they are old or after ive heard them a couple times from someone else. but i heard ths song on the radio by a girl named Katy Perry called i kissed a girl...and i love that song lol...and *gasp!* im gonna buy the cd when it comes out June 17th.

now let me finish my coke so i can NOT fall asleep at my desk,

pink.